The Most Impactful Lesson from my Exec Coach

Final piece of the "How do you Exec Coach?" series

Interviewing and writing about Executive Coaching over the past 6 months (summary here) made me reflect on my journey with my coach, Ben Hudson.

Ben has been an invaluable coach and thought partner over the past 3+ years.

To bring the series to a close, I revisited my notes from all my sessions.

Here is my most valuable lesson over the years, which I think about almost daily.

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Where does my boundary of responsibility start and end?

The most frequent problem I bring to Ben is an interpersonal relationship problem.

It is almost always related to my close and dear circle (team, community, friends or family) disappointing, underperforming, behaving poorly or upsetting me.

Note: this is, of course, 100% subjective.

It triggers an emotional reaction and can be hard to objectively work through by yourself, hence my most common question:

“Ben, what should I do?”

If you read Ben’s interview, he rarely tells me what to do. Once we step through the situation, the root cause is often boundaries or a lack thereof.

Here is the simple framework you can even use for yourself to get started:

1. Context - What’s the situation?

2. Relationship - How do I relate to the person in that context?

3. Responsibility - Where does my responsibility start and end? Where does their responsibility start and end?

   1. Did you step into their responsibility? >> Overstepping Boundaries

   2. Did you address the issue? >> Drifting Boundaries

4. Explicit - Are these boundaries clear?

   1. No? >> Blurred Boundaries

Blurred Boundaries

How often have you said:

“I can’t believe they did that!”
“I can’t believe they didn’t do that!”

Blurred boundaries suck. But did they even know what your expectation was?

Life moves fast, and assumptions pile up. We often forget that others don’t operate from the same playbook. The fix? Align on expectations upfront. Be explicit. Put it in writing.

Most importantly, take ownership. Blurred boundaries aren’t their fault—they’re yours. Reset, clarify, and move forward.

The tools you have at your disposal are their (1) Job Description - you can rewrite that regularly, annually, at the very least at promotions - and (2) quarterly or semi-annual goals.

Turn blurry into crystal-clear boundaries.

Overstepping Boundaries

We all do it—take on tasks that aren’t ours. It feels easier, and quicker. But by doing that, you create dependency and stop the other person from learning.

The fix? Awareness. What’s your role in this person’s life—manager, peer, friend? Each role comes with its boundaries.

As a manager, I’m responsible for setting and holding you accountable for outcomes.
As a peer, to establish a good working relationship and achieve common goals.
As a friend, to tell you when you’re being stupid.
As a parent, to provide safety, emotional support and guidance for the future.

Step into your lane, and let others take responsibility for theirs. The small shift from “How can I help?” to “What will *you* do about this situation?” makes all the difference.

Drifting Boundaries

It’s easy to let things slide when work gets hectic. A small comment, a passive-aggressive tone, or an instance of underperformance—no big deal, right?

Wrong.

When you let small violations slip, boundaries drift. Over time, what seemed insignificant becomes harder to address. It’s not a glaring violation of values, but it’s a slow erosion that will eventually hurt the team.

The fix? Don’t wait. Address issues the moment they arise, even if they seem minor. A quick comment in your next 1:1 can prevent bigger problems down the road.

For performance-related issues, make feedback an ongoing conversation. Regular, informal check-ins are far more effective than waiting until a formal review. If you catch boundary drift early, it’s easier to fix.

My favourite question that I cover weekly in every 1:1: “What could I have done 10% better last week?” This opens the door for small corrections before they snowball, and it sets a tone of open communication.

Boundaries don’t drift in a single moment—they drift because of repeated avoidance. Address it now, and avoid bigger problems later.

The Upwards Spiral of Life

Every so often, I bring Ben a problem that feels like déjà vu—something eerily similar to what I dealt with a year or two ago. It’s frustrating. Didn’t I already learn this lesson?

But here’s what Ben helped me realize: Growth isn’t linear—it’s a spiral.

Even when we face the same challenges, we approach them from a higher vantage point, armed with more experience.

The same problem comes around again, I deal with it again.
Does it suck that the same problem happened again? Yes.
But I caught it earlier, dealt with it faster, and moved forward with less stress.

You won’t always get it right, but each time, you’ll handle it better than before. That’s the upward spiral—improvement, not perfection.

So, to end with one of my favourite quotes:

“Today is the worst you’ll ever be.”

Up that spiral, with clearer boundaries.